Predicament of Whale Zombies “Disturbing”

(New York City) – Raising an issue sure to be debated by zombie enthusiasts worldwide, Micah Laaker pondered the sorry fate of whale zombies early this week. Recoginizing the incredible amount of tissue, bone, and cartilege that a whale zombie would have to chomp through to get to a non-zombied whale’s brain, Mr. Laaker wondered aloud about the logistics of such a feat.

“Knowing that the average sperm whale has a head about 15.2 feet tall, and that the brain is located about 10 feet below the surface, a whale zombie would have to be going at the live whale for quite some time,” Mr. Laaker noted. “It seems a bit odd to think that the live whale would sit idle long enough for the zombie to get all the way to the brain.”

He countered that, while also remarkably slow, many human zombies had been successful in getting through the heads of their victims, as documented in “Day of the Dead” and “Dawn of the Dead.” With such a high zombie conversion rate despite window-boarding and loaded shotguns, he argued, it seemed that whales (lacking these two defensive mechanisms) would likely be more susceptible to zombification, despite the physical distance to the brain.

After arguing for the whale zombies’ advantages for a moment, Mr. Laaker returned to the uphill challenges. "While lacking weapons and trickery, live whales have the opportunity to flee in nearly 360 degrees of direction, whereas humans generally only have the option of fleeing to an abandoned and secluded farm house," he said. "These options would seem to allow the live whale the opportunity to escape (at a respectable speed) from the zombie whale after the latter’s intent is clear. Such intent could be signalled either through the mindless, constant bellowing of the zombie whale or through one of any number of bites into the live whale’s head before reaching past 10 feet."

Two days after first raising this quandry, Mr. Laaker still seemed fascinated by the subject, despite his friends’ confusion.


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