Fast-food Fried Chicken Moratorium Announced

(New York City) – In a move that sent shock waves through the fast food community, Micah Laaker announced a moratorium on the very places he once so often frequented: fried chicken establishments.

"The joy just isn’t there any more. Every time I get some spicy chicken at Popeye’s, my tummy takes a tumbling for the rest of the day," said Mr. Laaker.

Having long listed fried chicken as his second favorite food, next to steak, Mr. Laaker’s move to restrain his chicken consumption came as a shock to many.

According to friend and office mate Colin Lange, who accompanied Mr. Laaker on his last and fateful visit to Popeye’s today, Mr. Laaker forcibly moved his unfinished plate of chicken away. "He just started pushing at it, saying he wasn’t having it. Started whining about an upset stomach. As if the tears weren’t bad enough, I was sick before I came here. Now, matters are only escalating in ‘worseness’ for both of us."

Apparently, Mr. Laaker’s moratorium is only on fast-food prepared fried chicken, and no end date was given. If history is any judge, the abstinence will likely not last long. Readers may remember Mr. Laaker’s fateful visit to KFC, in which salmonella befouled his enjoyment of chicken-partaking for some time; Mr. Laaker was back at Popeye’s a mere week after recovery.


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