(New York City) – While Laaker.com has been successfully providing international audiences with a variety of online entertainment for years, low Q4 revenue predictions have resulted in widespread layoffs at the once mighty "dot com" startup. Employees today received a callously-worded email encouraging them to "take the rest of your life off" from their position.
The sudden layoffs came as a surprise to many on staff, as most had no idea they were even employed by the firm. Responsible for the email was previous office manager Micah Laaker. Mr. Laaker has come to the helm tasked with heading up day-to-day operations and maintaing solvency in the remaining months. "We’re going to focus on our core competencies for the time being. We’ll do what we do best: focus on Micah Laaker," said Mr. Laaker.
Pressed for an explanation for the reduction of a staff from 100 down to 1, Mr. Laaker pointed towards disappointing donation numbers from the Laaker.com Investment Center, as well as low click-through purchase rates in the Book/Music/Film section. "Until we see these numbers rise, we won’t be seeing familiar faces around the office," Mr. Laaker said.
Despite the tough times, Mr. Laaker is still planning a launch party for the release of the new Laaker.com search tool. As the party had originally included 99 more employees than currently employed and catering from Popeye’s, Mr. Laaker is expected to announce revised plans.