(New York City) – Known for his impressive ability to hold longstanding and often unwarranted grudges, Micah Laaker today announced his public release of his Enemies List on the eve of the summer solstice.
“People need to know where they stand with me,” said Mr. Laaker. “Too many people feel comfortable saying, ‘Oh, that craaaaaaaazy Mr. Laaker. We go back… way back. We’re cool.’ when in reality, we’re not cool. This list serves as a definitive guide to my enemies… today.”
Friends were a bit wary of Mr. Laaker’s addition of the word “today” to his statement, wondering if this meant the list could change at any time. Mr. Laaker could not be reached for comment on this matter.
The following is Mr. Laaker’s current list of enemies:
- Priceline.com, for offering the world’s biggest lie to consumers. This was mad personal.
- Jeff Belt and cohorts, who taunted me as a child in our stick fights and clubhouse wars.
- That one girl at KFC who made some sloppy infected chicken. I repeat, that one girl; not the Colonel.
- Tim Robbins, for not saying “whussup” on the elevator.
- Travis something-or-other at AT&T who thought he wouldn’t publicly get called out for his shady, unhelpful “customer service” tactics.
- Sid Lee.
- The girl at K-Mart who thought it would be funny to sick security on me after the infamous coupon incident.
- My apartment building’s sewage line.
- Power Computing, Inc., for never taking back their lemon of a computer.
- TREES! (See Laaker.com exclusive: Anti-Arboreal Association) [ Ed. – Updated 07/15/00 ]