(New York, NY) Last night, after years of hype, excitement, and bold claims, "Star Wars Episode 1, the Phantom Menace" was released to audiences nationwide. Micah Laaker, having friends in powerful places, was able to secure tickets for the very first showing in New York at 12:01 a.m., Wednesday, May 19.
Recent rumors had circulated stating that the first installment of this prequel was going to "suck" as well as "disappoint." Mr. Laaker, quick for argument, assisted in the dissemination of such rumors well before seeing the movie, much to the annoyance of many acquaintances. Irregardless, Mr. Laaker found himself 10th in line for the first showing.
Mr. Laaker also found himself muttering "Stupid George Lucas," alongside various other ramblings, during and after the movie ended. He was quoted as saying, "This is the weakest movie I’ve ever seen. Super weak. I can’t believe how weak this movie was. The acting was plum weak and the creator of the goofy Jar-Jar Binks, or whatever his stupid name was, should be beat down." Mr. Laaker also noted that everyone that worked on the movie should probably be beat down, too, but then retracted after further scrutiny by those who found the statement "a bit extreme."
Noted, however, was Mr. Laaker’s comments that Liam Neeson, "that one British dude who played Obi-Wan" (Ed. – Ewan McGregor), and Samuel Jackson all escaped unscathed by bad acting, but that this career choice in their lives would be duly noted and most certainly utilized in possible future mockery.
During a conversation with a good friend, Mr. Laaker was heard to blurt out, "Man, I’d wait till this thing hits the dollar theater, it’s so bad. Matter of fact, I’d just wait to see it on video. It sucked. When I left the theater, you could hear crickets it was so quiet." He then mentioned that he wished he had taken his boss’ offer for $65 for his ticket.
Mr. Laaker was "hard pressed" to find any redeeming qualities in the movie. He found it a classic example of people focusing too much on cool new technology and zero time on good storytelling. He ended his ramblings with the final quote, "May this movie serve as a lesson to all. This proves my point that Clint Eastwood is the man, and that George Lucas is a chump." He then extended his fingers in a peace gesture and went to bed.