Since joining Graphicly, Laaker has led the charge begin incorporating its first wave of social features in the product’s Web app, launch its Android application, release a rudimentary distributable Web widget, update its iPad application, and define the company’s product roadmap.

“For anyone that has known me since I was very young (or has ever looked at my gift wish list or library record), joining forces with Graphicly is a perfect match,” said Laaker from his new Palo Alto working location. “I have loved comics since I was very young, continue to collect and debate the nuances of story and art with anyone who shows the slightest willingness to listen, and have spent my past 6 professional years working on platforms to help producers get their content/experiences in front of wider audiences (and means for users to socialize them).”

Most recently leading product management, user experience, marketing, and partner relations for Yahoo!’s developer platforms (which make Yahoo! products and services available to 3rd-party developers and publishers), Laaker helped lead Yahoo!’s game partnership deal with Zynga while continuing to push for primary access to Yahoo!’s APIs through YQL.

Originally envisioning his future as the industry’s star comic penciller, Laaker moved into design and product development where he was able to stay close to the visual storytelling media he’d always aspired towards. He led the design teams for the launch of comic legend Stan Lee’s foray into the online world, the Flash-based animated music video for MF Doom, the relaunch of media brand Def Jam Recording’s label site, and the original Flash-based, animated trivia game for the Disney Channel’s Vault Disney. Additionally, he continued his illustration work via board game design and e-cards for Barnes & Noble, among personal projects.

Partnering with the only Micah who has more Twitter followers (sadly by a factor of 10), Laaker joins a strong core team based in Boulder, CO, while continuing to work with a growing West Coast operation in AOL’s Palo Alto incubator lab space.

At the time of this publication, m13.me links will now redirect to Laaker’s links of choice.

“From whence the m13.me domain came, you ask?” asked Mr. Laaker. “Unfortunately, all the meaningful short URLs were unavailable. Laa.kr was snatched by Korean firm who apparently hasn’t figured out how to configure their site yet, Mic.ah doesn’t exist as there is no ‘.ah’ top-level domain, and Laak.er would require registering the domain through the currently unavailable (according to Wikipedia) and war-ravaged Eritrea. That left us with my first initial and my lucky number. That, or a number of far more expensive and equally irrelevant options. So, m13.me it is.”

The domain will leverage Bit.ly Pro, a service powered by Bit.ly (which was featured previously in Laaker’s Micah’s (11) Favorite Things For 2009).

Headlining for Chapter 17 (“Open for Business”), Laaker’s “What does it mean to be Open?” essay kicks off the chapter detailing how to expose your product via APIs to the outside developer community. (The essay, in verbal and visual form, was also recently featured at Ignite NYC during the Yahoo! Open Hack Developer Conference.)

At the request of the authors, the essay is reprinted in its entirety below. Mr. Laaker alternatively recommends, though, that you stop reading now, and instead go buy/get a copy of the book to experience it in person.

What Does it Mean to Be Open?

The word “Open” is jam packed with meaning for those in the software/Web services landscape, and it can be increasingly difficult find two folks who agree on its definition as the term proliferates. For some, “open” is associated with “free;” for others, it is associated with flexibility and utility outside of its original location.

Because of this lack of agreement around definition, it can be useful to think of “openness” within a construct that can help describe its various edges. These edges follow a 13-point spectrum that begins on technology (and the developer experience), moves into the world of data, and then ends with the user experience.

It is important to note that none of the following points described on this spectrum are meant to be independent nor incompatible. Rather, think of this spectrum like time theory; it can be bent, twisted, and collide with other points on the spectrum so that any product or service could be none, one, many or all of the facets described.

1. Open Source
   Free to use, decentralized, and (generally) highly reliable, this software movement seems to drive most folks’ definition of “open.” (Examples include projects such as PHP, OpenOffice, and Hadoop.)
2. Open Infrastructure
   Emerging as a new kind of openness, “cloud computing” has opened a pay-as-you-go, only-what-you-need approach to technology. (Examples in this area include Google App Engine and Amazon’s EC2 and S3 services.)
3. Open Architecture
   By defining a spec for how others can plug into your product, anyone can mod and extend your product. (A popular example of this would be Firefox’s plugin framework.)
4. Open Standards
   A community-powered, consensus-driven approach drives for a goal of interoperability, whether for software or hardware. (Examples of these standards can be found throughout the Web’s very fabric: HTML, CSS, XML, and JSON.)
5. Open Ontology
   Add meaning to the Web by surrounding your data with semantic meaning (so that software can make meaningful connections). (RDFa, a.k.a. Resource Description Framework in attributes, and microformats best exemplify this element.)
6. Open Access
   By providing APIs, 3rd-party developers and partners can take your data/service into their products. (Examples of open access include Twitter, Yahoo! BOSS, and eBay.)
7. Open Canvas
   Your product can become a vehicle for 3rd-party content by opening portals into other products (while keeping users on yours). (The most popular example of this element is Facebook’s application platform and the ever-growing usage of OpenSocial APIs.)
8. Open Content
   The user becomes the editor by programming self-relevant content which comes to you when it’s ready. (My Yahoo! pioneered this space, but other RSS readers like Google Reader, NetVibes, and NetNewsWire are similar strong examples.)
9. Open Mic
   The product’s content is populated entirely by users, not by the product team. Users own their content, and products support the making/discovering of content. (YouTube and WordPress share both an affinity for mid-name capitalization and an approach that centers almost exclusively on user-generated content.)
10. Open Forum
    Users form a rich web around content by contributing ancillary data, ratings, reviews, ranking, conversations and link submissions. (Examples of community-driven content layers of significant user value include NetFlix’s ratings/reviews and Digg’s content ranking system.)
11. Open Door
    The user is welcomed and embraced as a product decision-maker in this corporate bizarro world. (Think: Get Satisfaction’s customer-driven customer service or Craigslist’s revenue model determination process.)
12. Open Borders
    Settings and configurations become portable. Import/export is the requirement, and the user is not locked-in to a single product, instead having the ability to come and go as they please. (As an example, OPML, a.k.a. Outline Processor Markup Language, is used extensively to manage the export and re-import of users’ RSS feed subscriptions and groupings.)
13. Open Identity
    The user is the owner of her identity and information, metering out bits to services/products as she finds it appropriate. This is in opposition to the near-universal approach of surrendering control of user information at every service with no central means of management. (OpenID, fittingly, best illustrates the idea of Open Identity, alongside its Attribute Exchange extension.)

The 13 points illustrate many of the different concepts that flesh out the term “Open.” And, while many are compatible and complementary, it is rare to find any one product or service that exemplifies all of these elements.
Why is that? While being Open can be a competitive advantage, it can also have what some would list as disadvantages. It may force constraints by which the competition isn’t hindered, determine product direction, outsource key infrastructure, or free previously proprietary information. Fortunately, there are no horror stories available of companies who bet the bank on Open only to be cannibalized by the competition; rather, there are many success stories to the counter.

It is also important to note that all these points require a level of investment and effort beyond not being Open. One could easily argue, however, that this time/cost is quickly recouped (in terms of PR, customer support, brand affinity, product extension, and more). Existing companies and products attempting to move towards any of these facets will therefore face more hurdles and obstacles (whether real, i.e. technology, or imagined, i.e. internal politics) than those with no existing baggage.

In the end, being Open can mean a number of different things, some of which is dependent on the nature of the product it describes and some of which is the choice of the product’s owners. Regardless, though, product owners should understand the marketplace’s Open vocabulary, and consciously steer it’s messaging to users and the press around the points it has embraced (and have articulated answers in response to those points it does not embrace).

Doing so can keep Open as the advantage its intended for a product, rather than as a weapon against it.

Confirmed for Tuesday, April 14, 7:30pm, Laaker is set to give the first of two talks entitled “Designing Your Product as a Platform.” The talk is billed as: “Learn how Yahoo! is designing its products to leverage third-party developers, embrace outside content, and weave its services into the larger web’s fabric, all as part of its “Open Strategy” efforts.” Laaker plans to walk through Yahoo!’s recent efforts to redesign and rebuild its products to be both more ‘open’ (to third-party developers) and ‘social’ (amongst its massive user base).

Co-headlining the event is Dan Brodnitz, creative cataloguer of the creative class, who will be presenting “20 Conversations About Creativity,” which explores his insightful Conversations about Creativity series. The talk will dive into the many interviews Brodnitz has conducted with “writers, musicians, visual artists, a clown, a choreographer, two cartoonists, a toy inventor, and a stand up comic.”

The book features two of Laaker’s photographs from a recent visit to Stockton:

Bank of Stockton building

Fox Theater Marquee

These two photographs by Laaker were discovered on Flickr by Cherbo Publishing Group, the book’s publisher, during its production.

“What better opportunity for Stockton to show off its better features than to feature a showing of some of Laaker’s shots?” said Micah Laaker. “Cherbo’s acquisition of these two images for this publication speaks to the quality of the publication, and, in turn, to Stockton itself for approving such imagery. To them both, I say, ‘Stay classy, Stockton.’” (It was uncertain if
Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy was playing in the background during Laaker’s comments. Regardless, Laaker enjoyed his trip to Stockton, which did indeed feature some beautifully restored buildings.)

Commissioned by the Greater Stockton Chamber of Commerce, “Stockton: Renewed, Revitalized, Redefined” was written by Anne Gonzales. Gonzales was the former business and agriculture reporter for The Record.

More news about the book can found at The Record, the Chamber of Commerce, and at Amazon.com.

The Sceptical Futuryst, a blog sketching out the ideas and impacts possible in future scenarios, ran an interview with video director Micah Laaker entitled “Surveillance Supreme.”

The interview centers around the backstory of the animation, which continues to win awards and praise 4 years after its creation. It has made its way around of various film festivals (particularly resfest|10 and Media That Matters 5) and online memes.

The video can be viewed below, via YouTube, or on the ACLU site.

Laaker has created a number of interactive media for the ACLU aside from the Pizza video, including their 100 Greatest Hits, Major Supreme Court Decisions on Women’s Rights, and the Katrina Aftermath at Orleans Parish Prison.

Laaker.com on OLPC Laptop, originally uploaded by mlaaker.

“I know the first thing most kids will do when receiving this (or another) laptop is to 1) crack into the neighbors’ Wi-Fi, 2) manually enter ‘laaker.com’ into the Web browser, and 3) bookmark the site for easy access in the future,” said Mr. Laaker. “I can’t let them down. Laaker.com needs to work, right out of the box, in the most environments imaginable.”

Proving his team’s unerring and unending Quality Assurance program has paid dividends, the site loaded blazingly fast.

“Tonight, children everywhere (and their parents, too) can rest well knowing that Laaker.com will be there with them to learn, laugh, and grow today, tomorrow, and the day or two after tomorrow (whichever comes first),” said Laaker. “Whether its on one of these green-and-white beauties, an iPhone, or some other fancy new device, we’ll be there in working order with them.”

Speaking to investors, Micah Laaker stated: “One year ago, rumors were fluttering around, and people were asking about our growth plans. One month ago, to answer those points, I stood before you and announced our latest addition and first shipping product.”

“Jonah Charles Laaker was released publicly October 11, 2007, 6 days behind schedule but more feature complete than originally planned. He’s already beating growth estimates and quickly learning while on the job; that’s 50% year-over-year growth over our 2006 output, and we now have a new employee to work on the site.”

Asked about the 6 day release delay, Laaker brushed the issue aside. “Look, quality takes time. The market’s happy, and we’re happy. Take a look at the results; Jonah’s a sweet kid, and we’re happy to have him on board.”

Bringing such insightful words to life, Mountain View (home of one Micah Laaker) is now hosting one of 7-Eleven’s “movie involvements” in the form of a Kwik-E-Mart refitting of their newest store in the area. Serving as a tie-in for The Simpsons Movie, the convenience shoppe’s exterior, signage, employee uniforms, and product lines have been overhauled to match the show’s 7-Eleven-inspired Kwik-E-Mart.

The new, improved 7-Eleven storefront at 1380 Pear Avenue, Mountain View, CA.

Within minutes of learning that Mountain View was one of 11 nationwide Kwik-E-Mart hostings being unveiled today, Mr. Laaker began devising plans to visit every local 7-Eleven until the winning locale was spotted. (Also, he was hankering for a Super Big Gulp.) Minutes after that, he and wife Carrie were driving just around the corner when he heard her yell, “MART!”

Such shouts could mean but one thing: the “chosen” store was less than a mile around the corner from their home. The next half hour was spent documenting and purchasing such treasured gems as Buzz Cola, Radioactive Man comic books, and the illustrious sprinkled donut of Simpsons yore. Sadly, no Duff Beer was discovered in the coolers. (Images from the store’s opening day are found on Flickr.)

“I’ve heard 7-Eleven’s customers are into movies… I’m into movies, too!” said Mr. Laaker while strolling the aisles of the store (and being cautiously tracked by two store employees uneasy with his camera-documenting ways). “Not surprisingly then, I’m also into The Simpsons and 7-Eleven. Further, I’m into participating in big national marketing events when they’re just blocks away.”

Mr. Laaker then took a dainty bite of his sweet, sweet, delicious donut, and made his merry way home.

Laaker is joining YDN to build and lead the new user experience group for the team. The Sunnyvale-based company, now 10+ years old, began as the web’s Yellow Pages, and now has grown to be the #1 start page, #1 email service, and a host of informative, entertaining, and addictive services. Its Developer Network provides tools, code, and assistance for people outside the company to utilize Yahoo! services (such as Search, Maps, CSS and JavaScript, and even the insanely popular Answers).

To announce this move, Laaker was interviewed by good friend and colleague Matt McAlister. A portion of this interview has been made available for public consumption:

1. What is your biggest user experience pet peeve on the Internet?
   Data duplication. As a user, I am forced to pay a data surrender toll with every new site I visit: my name, email, password, zip code, photo, and sometimes much more. While I’m probably a little too comfortable sharing such information, it becomes frustrating when I move, change job titles, switch photos, etc., as I then have to revisit and update every site I’ve entered such info. Further, if I then decide I don’t want people to know where I live, or what I look like, I’ve got a similar distributed information management issue.

   Managing these profiles also carries risks for all the individual companies/startups that maintain and store such info; if their accounts are sabotaged, and sensitive information is revealed, they’re liable. Looking forward, if there’s a way for everyone to access a common platform for user profile, preferences, and basic information (with the appropriate security controls and management interface), we can make our users’ online lives easier to maintain and control. Providing that sense (and reality) of control, as well as the benefits of recognition (such as automatically knowing what ZIP code to use for weather, movie theater locations, and maps, or providing quick access to your address book), will be a great leap forward for our online experiences.

   We want to make users do as little work as possible to get what they want from our products (and yours). Instead, we should shoulder the burden behind the scenes, listen to what our users tell us (both in what they say, as well as what they do), and provide experiences that excite and engage them everyday.

2. What web site do you wish you had designed?
   ClaimID. They took a leadership position around connecting users’ various identities across multiple sites using the MicroID microformat. The beauty of their approach was twofold: 1. allow users to make claims to their various profiles without requiring verification, and 2. leverage an easy-to-implement, open format that is simple for the developers to integrate. They’ve kept their interaction simple and minimal, their scenarios in context with the action just taken, and play nicely both with the competition (such as other OpenID providers) and the collegial (e.g. support for Gravatars and multiple microformats).
3. Show us one of the more clever user experiences you’ve seen on the Internets recently?
   I would encourage folks to check out the Upcoming/Flickr integration. For an example, check out the YUI 1st-Year Anniversary Party. The photos shown near the comments area are sucked in by users adding a tag to their Flickr photos. Further, once such a tag is entered on the Flickr side, it is hidden from users (as its in computer-readable but human-ugly format) and instead is reflected with an Upcoming.org icon and a link to the associated event.

   Simple, community-powered cross-site integration is a beautiful thing. By emerging from the community, Upcoming and Flickr were able to add useful functionality for their users (i.e. photos shown on events’ pages, and event listings linked from photos) that allows best-of-breed tools to focus on what they do best, rather than trying to build competing offerings inside of each that don’t quite do what users want. By doing so, users can pivot off of photos/events (via hidden tags) and better represent the activities in which they are participating.

4. What’s the best invention in man’s recorded history?
   The newspaper. As a medium that cuts its cost-to-entry so as to provide the masses with vital information, critical thinking, and calls-to-action every day, the newspaper wins it hands down for me. I would rate books highly, as well as free hosting/publishing platforms (like Blogger and WordPress.com) for similar reasons. I also think very fondly of my Nintendo DS Lite; it’s too early to tell on that one, though.
5. Who was your favorite band in 8th grade?
   Public Enemy, if I remember correctly.
6. If you were a Muppet, who would you be?
   Statler. He always heckled with a smile.
7. What does your wife find most annoying about you?
   Good question. My guess? Including her in the press releases I write. (I usually have to edit her back out; she’s not as liberal with sharing her info online.)
8. If you had to listen to the collective works of one musical artist over and over again until you died, who would you listen to?
   Time and again, Paul Simon seems to win out for me, so I would have to choose him. My Last.fm profile, however, tells a different story, with U2 blowing everything else out of the water. Secretly, though, Justin Timberlake would probably be the least melancholy way to go out.
9. Does altruism exist?
   One of the most enjoyable benefits of being a Yahoo is our Yahoo! Employee Foundation… its a self-sufficient, not-for-profit organization that is funded entirely by Yahoo! employees. It’s not a company mandate, and it wasn’t spawned by the company. Rather, it was spawned by those fortunate to work here who wanted to use the platform of this company as a means for good. So, does a corporate-affiliated organization prove altruism exists? No. But the people who’ve I met behind that organization, as well as my family and close friends, have repeatedly proven it time and again.
10. What interested you most about working at Yahoo!? How about YDN?
    If you don’t work inside Yahoo!, you may be surprised that we have more than 350 designers working worldwide (with 200+ here in California alone) to craft our users’ experiences. I came to Yahoo! to join an amazing group of designers, researchers, and analysts (not to mention fantastic product managers, engineers, and marketers) with a common goal: approach problem-solving from a user-centered perspective and iterate quickly while learning from actual users.

    I’ve long been a fan of our Developer Network as it provides a means of extending Yahoo! as a platform. For having “Web” in the title, the World Wide Web is a pretty disconnected experience. Yahoo! exists in a much larger ecosystem, but there’s currently very few examples of a connected experience (i.e. what a user does on Amazon affects what they see/do on Yahoo! and what they see/do on a personal blog). And, if Yahoo! begins to serve not only as a user-facing destination but also the glue between numerous online destinations/services, we’ll have a fair bit of work ahead of us to ensure a solid, trusted, and enriching experience that our users associate with the Yahoo! brand. (Side note: I’m looking to hire talented designers and prototypers to help define Yahoo!’s off-network experiences ; if you’re interested, please drop me a line with examples of your work.)

“Today’s media-savvy consumer is very much aware of who and what is behind each of the products he or she is consuming… except when said ‘who’ is me,” said Laaker to a crowd gathering near his campaign headquarters. “By adopting this rhyming and rhythmic mantra, we can ensure the masses are familiar with what is most important in their busy lives, and that is the local production of knowledge services by a name they can trust… even if they couldn’t spell it correctly before.”

What exactly would be labeled with this new slogan is currently vague. Mr. Laaker mentioned tagging Laaker.com with the phrase, as well as placing stickers “on anything and everything” he encounters. This statement would seemingly contradict the stickers’ message, but Laaker immediately began talking again of “knowledge services” he needed to generate.

A series of stickers and web “badges” are purportedly in production to allow Laaker.com personnel to easily affix the new saying to anything and everything deserving of such a badge of honor.

Attending “March of the Penguins” (a sordid tale of flightless birds and their miserable lives) at the neighborhood CineArts theater palace this past Saturday with wife and kids in tow, Mr. Jobs spotted Laaker from across the lobby. Laaker, who was at the time purchasing a drink and some popped corns for his (and his wife’s) enjoyment, caught Jobs’ glance from the ticket purchasing line. (Ed. Note – Mr. Jobs was, as to be expected, wearing his trademark black turtleneck, although his standard pair of blue jeans was replaced by a “business casual” pair of shorts. This choice proved wise, considering the theater’s unwise decision to leave off the air conditioning on a summer afternoon.)

Longtime Macintosh user and proselytizer though he was, Laaker was in a rush to catch a prime viewing seat at the movie house’s showing of Murderball (a film notable for being much “harder” than “March of the Penguins”). With a slight “‘sup, dude?!” head guesture, he nodded back at Mr. Jobs and his family before entering to find his seat. As the walls were sound-proofed and he was comfortably seated in the warm cinema den’s trademark Relax-o-back chairs, Mr. Laaker was unsure if he heard Jobs’ furtive pleas for a Yahoo! 360 invite. (Ed. Note – Yahoo! 360 is now open to the public.)

Using Macromedia Flash to animate the piece, Laaker developed the film last year to accompany the ACLU’s audio recording (which was intended to spur public reaction to upcoming personal privacy legislation). The film, which has been receiving a fair amount of interest and commentary online, highlights the vast amount of personal information that may be available to any business in the future, and subsequently how those businesses may choose to use the information to their advantage.

The film festival officially begins on Wednesday, June 1st, online and in New York. Individuals interested in attending the world premier can purchase tickets online ($10) for the showing at New York’s Brooklyn Academy of Music on June 1st, at 7:00pm and 9:30pm. The films will also be displayed at the Walter Reade Theater’s Furman Gallery at Lincoln Center on June 11th, 12th, 17th, 18th, and 19th, and additional screenings may also be available in your neighborhood.

To my esteemed colleagues and potential philanthropists:

My wife, Carrie, is running a marathon here in less than 3 weeks as a fundraiser for leukemia research in honor of her deceased grandmother. She’s been getting some really generous donations from a lot of folks (some of which may include the likes of you on this list), and she’s almost there towards reaching her goal (each runner must raise at least $2800 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society to participate in the run).

As of press time here, she needs about $250 more to reach this goal. And for those who are interested in helping out, she’s kindly offered my services as an incentive in the form of a drawing for prizes. Every $104.80 donation (aka $4/mile) gets you into the pool for a Laaker.com tote bag containing a surprise gift, and every $52.40 donation ($2/mile) plops you into the running for a Laaker.com coffee mug.

So, if you’re a reader of Laaker.com, and you’re as disappointed as most with its abysmal track record at releasing press releases on a dependable basis under my reign, you’re probably gonna want to be jockeying for some of this high class, scarce merchandise to show your disdain.

If you can, please consider donating for a good cause. Or for some schwag. Whichever your prefer. You can donate and/or learn more online.

Winners of the drawing will be announced here on the site, so be sure to check back daily (or monthly… but preferably hourly) to find out who becomes the lucky winner. In the meantime, thanks for your time and help.

Respectfully,
Micah Laaker
Interim CEO, Laaker.com

“Today marks a great step forward for users of the ‘World Wide Web,’” stated Laaker. “Yahoo! has provided users with more than 10 years of great free content and services. But today, some of those great free products and services now proudly carry a ‘Made in the USA by the double A’ sticker… even if that sticker isn’t actually on said products and services.”

Responding to questioning that the “double A” referenced in the sticker slogan suggested that recovering drunks were being employed by Yahoo!, Mr. Laaker refused further statements, instead encouraging all to check out his latest creations:

• My Yahoo! Dashboard widget
  Mac OS X 10.4 “Tiger” users are now (for the first time ever) able to view the most recent collective headlines from all their My Yahoo! subscribed RSS feeds in Apple’s new Dashboard environment. The widget, designed by Laaker, also allows checking of Yahoo! mail and initiation of Yahoo! searches. (Apple subsequently named the widget their Featured Download for May 13th.)

• Network-wide Default Location and Location Preferences
  Users of Yahoo! Local Search will now be able to set a network-wide Default location on their computer, thus allowing any location field to pre-populate with their chosen locale. They can also engage a re-designed drop-down widget next to each location field to access recent and saved locations, as well as manage and save their preferred locations on a Location Preferences page.

• New My Yahoo! Feed Addition Process
  Reducing the complexity of adding feeds to My Yahoo! from non-Yahoo! sources required some re-engineering of the process. Thankfuly, by simplifying the number of steps required for non-My Yahoo! users to sign up and add their selected content, this effort should significantly reduce new user frustration. (I rearchitected the page shown in this link, too, to better focus on the call-to-action and reduce the visual competition.)

Laaker also noted that he was moving from the My Yahoo! product team into the role of Design Manager for the newly-formed Personalization Products Group. Under the auspices of this group, Laaker would be responsible for managing the user experience components of network-wide personalization and content sharing/subscription/management.

Clearly pioneering a new entry point for the excessive vitamin insemination of its host, the drop cut an approximately one- (1) inch tear into the roof of Mr. Laaker’s mouth. Upon immediate inspection of the drop after the assault, Laaker found several sharp, ragged, “black cherry”-tinged edges.

“Apparently this magically delicious and nutritious mouth drop had some different ideas as to its nutrients’ intended usage,” Mr Laaker said. “Whereas I had planned for the Vitamin C, Echinacea, and Zinc to help bolster my immune system, this here drop was looking to use its potent package simply to heal its wanton destruction. A cover-up, if you will.”

Laaker suggested that the drop seemed to operate with a clear familiarity of the old adage: “He who giveth, taketh.” Or maybe it was: “Physician, heal thyself.”

Either way, Mr. Laaker’s mouth has since healed, despite the scarring of his super sensitive emotions.

Established to help raise awareness of the continuing campaign of genocide against the local population in the Sudan’s Darfur region, the strike is composed of Americans concerned about the atrocities and committed to taking real action. The public can learn more about the hunger strike at the Darfur Genocide website.

Similarly, readers of Laaker.com can learn more about the situation in the Sudan, take action immediately, and participate in the upcoming 100 Hours of Conscience campaign. Readers are also welcome to contact Mr. Laaker directly with questions.

Addtional information about the Darfur situation can be found online at the following locations:

• The September Issue
• The Descent
• Fullmetal Alchemist: The Movie: Conqueror of Shamballa
• Street Fight
• Bridge to Terabithia
• Vanity Fair
• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
• The Invention of Lying
• Letters from Iwo Jima
• Flushed Away
• 9
• Hollywoodland
• Fast Food Nation
• Forgotten Silver
• (500) Days of Summer
• Orgy of the Dead
• How I Met Your Mother – Season 4
• Big Love – Season 3
• Iron Monkey
• How I Met Your Mother – Season 2

“Silicon Alley has always sounded a bit too much like that other alley of Batman fame… Crime Alley,” Laaker.com’s founder Micah Laaker mused. “Laaker.com’s family-friendly focus has always caused a bit of a problem in that regard. Having ‘Hell’s Kitchen’ on our stationery raised some eyebrows with our clients, so the board of directors unanimously agreed to relocate the world headquarters to the ever-cheerful, wonderful world of California.”

Integral to this move was likely Laaker’s recent acceptance into the ranks of the Bay Area’s longest reigning technology family: Yahoo!. Laaker joined the Internet giant’s User Experience Design team as the Design Manager for the company’s personalization powerhouse, My Yahoo!.

The transition of Laaker.com’s offices from one coast to the other has had no negative effect on the organization’s productivity. "Laaker.com is known for putting out press releases, product recommendations, and portfolio updates in a very slow, meandering fashion," Laaker stated. "We’re not looking to change that award-winning and fan-pleasing methodology any time soon. Our users have come to depend on this lackadaisical approach to publishing, and we aim to continue to do just that."

Check out a case study of the new site design in the Laaker.com Assorted Works section to see images and learn more.

(New York City) – After years of visual stagnation, Def Jam Recordings had it’s online ride "pimped" by Micah Laaker and the Fearless Concepts’ creative and development teams.

Known as the home of hip-hop’s earliest stars (such as LL Cool J, the Beastie Boys, Slick Rick, and Public Enemy), Def Jam Recordings has maintained its brand value of being the definitive hip-hop recording label. Now featuring stars such as Method Man, Ghostface, Jay-Z (via Roc-a-fella Records), and Ja Rule (courtesy of The Inc. Records), the label continues to define where the rap industry is heading. Unfortunately, the label’s website was not communicating the prestige of the music powerhouse.

Leading the development of the information architecture and visual design efforts for the site, Laaker focused on moving the music label’s content to the forefront of the site’s pages while providing a visual framework that suggested "street elegance." Instead of the grafitti-laden imagery and "blinged-out" decoration adorning other hip-hop sites, the new site was designed from day one to subtley suggest Def Jam’s DJ culture while being framed in a sophisticated, platinum-level grid structure. The design is also the cornerstone of Laaker’s focus on information design, serving as a strong example of creating a usable and useful resource for the entertainment industry.

Using the site’s users’ feedback to help guide content naming, organization, and design approach, Laaker and his group developed an entirely new website for the label featuring an integrated storefront, a user polling system, an entertainment/lifestyle focus, and integrated community features. Launched on Thursday, September 16th, the site now enters development for considerably more extensive community features.

Laaker, who directed the creative development of Black’s website, is featured thirty-eight minutes into the hour-long "premium cable" show. Caught on camera chuckling in the sixth row of New York’s Brooks Atkinson Theater, Laaker’s obvious enjoyment of the material has provided home audiences everywhere (with HBO) the authorization to laugh along with the preceding joke.

Says Laaker, “Greater America has only recently become aware of Black’s comedy through his weekly appearance on Comedy Central’s The Daily Show. The inclusion of my footage will obviously bring in a larger audience that otherwise may have overlooked this comic genius.”

Laaker and fellow co-workers were invited to the original taping of the special back in February for their work on the Black website, which features audio clips from his albums, a photo gallery, message board, voicemail from Lew himself, an appearances schedule, the ability to ask questions of the comedian, and his signature finger flailing. The special originally aired on May 15th on HBO and continues to air over the next couple of months on the same channel.

Comprised of 275 tasks (each detailing in 10 steps or less how to overcome a specific problem), the book helps both new and upgrading users with many of Adobe Photoshop CS’s most common uses.

The book is divided into seventeen parts, described as follows:

1. Photoshop Basics.
2. The Work Area.
3. Color Essentials.
4. Color Adjustments.
5. Selections.
6. Path Essentials.
7. Transformations.
8. Painting Essentials.
9. Advanced Painting Techniques.
10. Channels and Masks.
11. Layer Essentials.
12. Layer Styles and Shape Layers.
13. Type.
14. Filters.
15. Automations.
16. Print Essentials.
17. For the Web: ImageReady.

Knowing that a large percentage of Photoshop’s users are not designers, the book was written to serve a wide audience and does not assume a design training. Each of the 275 tasks not only shows how to accomplish the chosen issue but also includes a number of tips, notes, and cross-references to provide the reader with a bigger picture view.

Laaker and Schmitt co-authored the book during the 2003 calendar year. The book joins a select number of other titles in the 10 Simple Steps or Less line, which is a new Wiley title series.

Mr. Laaker, known for his proselytizing (whether for himself, DealNews, Apple, Mike Mignola, Nebraska, Justin Timberlake, SVG, and others), was asked to join the committee to apply his zeal to something that would provide a measureable benefit to those struggling to reenter the workforce.

To help raise funds for the charitable organization, Mr. Laaker is seeking both individuals and corporations to attend/sponsor Capital PerSuit ’04, the group’s annual fundraising benefit. The event will be held Wednesday, March 24, at Times Square’s impressive NASDAQ MarketSite. Attended by many young professionals in the business, fashion, and design communities, the event serves to raise both the profile and funding abilities of Career Gear.

"As we all know, the economy hasn’t been treating many of our talented and educated colleagues too kindly over the past two years," said Mr. Laaker. "For those trying to reenter the workforce, whether fresh from incarceration, drug rehabilitation, or other scenarios, getting back on track can be a difficult process. Career Gear has helped more than 10,000 men since 1999 by giving them the tools they need, both suits and interview skills, to remain competitive in an ever-increasingly sparse job pool."

Tickets for the event are available for $125 for individuals, and corporate sponsorships are available from $500 to $10,000. Interested parties can contact Mr. Laaker directly via email or phone (212-673-8700), or download the information sheet PDF to RSVP directly with Career Gear.

Readers can learn more about Career Gear online.

Heading the Duckhunt column, Laaker’s illustration features hip-hop celebrities Jay-Z, Eminem, Ma$e, and Dr. Dre "lounging lovely" in geriatric style at the Sugar Hill Retirement Home. The article accompanying the piece focuses on how many hip-hop icons bow out of the game at an early age, leaving a void in the industry.

Mass Appeal’s 25th issue is currently on newstands and available for ordering online.

While scanning and editing their 500+ photographs and notes of the trip took a sizeable amount of time, the images from the wedding and honeymoon are now viewable online.

(Lawrence, KS) – Making good on his New Year’s nuptials pledge, Micah Laaker walked down the aisle of Lawrence’s Trinity Lutheran Church on October 18th as the proud husband of the beautiful and brilliant Carrie Patton. Miss Patton, having passed out during the "first kiss" part of the ceremony, quickly recovered and led Laaker through the church’s doors and into joint ownership of one of the world’s largest and more eclectic music collections.

The two then immediately proceeded to kick off their Weddingmania 2003 Autumn Explosion Tour in both downtown Lawrence, Kansas, and southern Africa. Following right on the heels of the service (administered by Laaker’s father, the Honorable and Right Reverend Dr. Damon Laaker), the Laakers received their family and friends at Lawrence’s historic Eldridge Hotel (notable for several to-the-ground burnings and a recent asset seizure, as well as its architectural adornments).

(The first half of the Weddingmania 2003 event featured special guests such as Aaron Steckelberg and Amy Morgan (as Best Man and Matron of Honor), Sarah Emery and Amanda Laaker (vocalists), Kerry Hillard and William "Ross" Maday (as readers), Jill Unruh (as attendant), Mitchell "Sharkboy" Lucas and Tom Emery (as ushers), and Denise Bitter (as guestbook attendant).)

After partaking in the merriment and mayhem associated with such an event, the Laakers headed back to New York and then jetted off to the southernmost coast of Africa for the second leg of the Tour. Journeying for 2.5 weeks, the two traveled through South Africa, Zimbabwe, and Botswana.

While in Africa, the Laakers came face-to-face with herds of elephants, baboons, dassies (known to the Germans as "rock rabbits"), hippopotamus, mosquitoes, and even a 5-inch spider in their suite’s bathroom. While driving sanguinely through the winelands and the Garden Route and skimming over mountain ranges in two-seater airplanes, the couple managed to experience the surprising optimism and energy underlying the grim challenges of some of the world’s highest unemployment rates.

The two also witnessed firsthand the depravity of living conditions in Robert Mugabe’s modern day Zimbabwe. While visiting for two days in Victoria Falls, the Laakers managed to pass the country’s biggest tourist attraction’s water treatment facility: a shell of building with all its windows knocked out, rusting pipes strewn across the front lawn, and the perimeter fence seemingly ravaged by numerous hit-and-run accidents. (Fortunately, the two had come well prepared by bringing their own bottled water supply.) Burned-out hulls of car frames littered the dusty highways, and citizens (forced to rely on one of the world’s most devalued currencies at a $4000Z-to-$1US rate) skulking alongside roadways, apprehensive of oncoming mauling packs of water buffalo.

After spending half a month watching the sun set over sprawling mountain ranges, open velds, and slowly winding rivers, the Laakers left the world’s friendliest people and awe-inspiring places to return to New York via a 36-hour commute. After 9 months of planning and several weeks of execution, the Autumn Explosion Tour ended with the couple returning home energized and anxious to return back to such an amazing land.

Dubbed "Interactive Buddy System," the article discusses the importance of solid communication between design and technology teams on any interactive development project. The article uses ‘real world’ examples from New York’s Kounterattack design firm, as well as Laaker’s personal experiences.

The August 2003 issue is currently on newstands.

The book will be a technical reference guide helping beginner and intermediate Photoshop users find quick and concise instructions on accomplishing hundreds of common and obscure tasks, such as reducing "red eye" in photographs or applying a drop shadow to text.

The title will be coauthored with Christopher Schmitt, author of Designing CSS Web Pages. Laaker was invited to assist in authorship after the original author accidentally fractured both her arms in a fall. (Ed. note - Laaker’s contribution to the book will, of course, be contingent on his ability to retain full use of his fingers and forearms.)

Having worked with Photoshop since its original debut as Adobe Photoshop 1.0, Mr. Laaker has worked with digital imaging software since 1985. A daily user of Photoshop, Laaker has harnessed the application for a variety of uses and across different industries.

Set for release in the late fall of 2003, the book, divided into 17 topic-driven chapters, will guide readers through the application’s most frequently used practices. Designed more as a reference tool than a cover-to-cover read, the title will accompany a new line of Wiley books.

Laaker is joining NetKinesis as the Creative Director, leading the design department of the interactive agency. The New York-based company, nearly three years old, began as the interactive department of Def Jam Records and grew steadily into its own entity. It now develops the artists’ websites for Island Def Jam Music Group.

Having already lead a number of creative teams at Iguana Studios, Laaker is looking forward to shaping the department as the company looks to grow in size and scope.

After awaking at a remarkably early hour by vacation-morning standards, Laaker and Patton proceeded to the Brooklyn Bridge in lower Manhattan to watch the sunrise. Three years earlier while chatting it up at a hip Y2K millennium bash, the couple had discussed a sunrise viewing on the waterspanning trafficway as an ideal way to begin the new year. Thus, Patton was unsuspecting when casually asked several weeks ago to join Laaker this morning for a realization of that dream. During the sunrise, Miss Patton was unaware of having fallen into an elaborately planned, made-for-TLC-daytime-programming moment.

Sunrise came in a classic New York fashion: through the overcast clouds of a misting sky. Nonetheless, as the sky brightened at 7:18 a.m., Laaker and Patton sat alone in a city of millions on a park bench near the center of the bridge, watching as the city’s details were slowly revealed. Once the sun was assumed to have completely arisen, Patton suggested the couple top the romantic morning off with some breakfast across the bridge. Laaker concurred, but suggested that he might have brought along a treat from the convenience store for their partaking.

As Patton anxiously awaited the extraction of donuts from his inside coat pocket, Laaker withheld the imaginary breakfast delights and instead pulled off his big surprise: revealing an engagement ring and a request for her to marry him. Despite her shock, and much to his relief, she excitedly said yes.

The rest of the morning was a blur of happiness and love.

The day’s event was then completed with a sauntering stroll through Brooklyn Heights, a nap, the requisite calls to family members, and, of course… video games.

(Ed. note – For the uninitiated, Mr. Laaker first fell in love with Miss Patton in 1999. After being rebuked as “the most annoying man alive” and decried as “the worst possible husband a girl could imagine” on their first encounter, Laaker continued to pursue Patton through the year at occassional gatherings of mutual friends. As the year progressed, Patton began warming to the idea of Laaker’s validity as a human being. Finally, on New Year’s Eve 1999, at the cusp of the new millennium, Laaker won Patton over with his mesmerizing conversation skills. Ever since, the two have been happily flitting around New York, the U.S., and the world, all the while regaling each other with endlessly interesting tales of intrigue.)

Book One

Wanting to upgrade to the latest and greatest computer on the market, Mr. Laaker took out a free classified advertisement in the venerable Craig’s List offering his many old Macintosh computers at bargain basement prices. As soon as the ad was placed, the calls and emails began pouring in. Interested buyers began lining up for the machines, and then in similar fashion, fell away to never call again.

Except for one.

Soon after the ad was placed, Mr. Laaker received a call at 11:15pm on a Monday evening. The woman calling (Ed. note – All names, minus Mr. Laaker’s, have been changed out of disgust.) expressed an interest in one of the computers and wished to ask some questions. Her name was Poinsettia.

Firstly, what was the origin of the name "Micah?" It was a very interesting name, she thought. Where did it come from? How did he get the name? The questions concerning the name continued for nearly 5 minutes. After clearing up this matter, Poinsettia moved on to providing the background of her name; she also pointed out the uniqueness of her own name, which lasted another 5 minutes. The following 15 minutes then documented her use for her existing Macintosh computer.

Poinsettia likes to sing. She likes to sing so much that she often downloads MIDI sound files (known for their horrible 1980s synthesizer sound) to sing along with. When she’s not belting out the classics, she may use her Mac for tax preparation. "Do you know anyone who needs some tax preparation?" she asked. Somewhat surprisingly, Mr. Laaker was unable to recommend any clients for her at 11:32pm that evening. The remaining 8 minutes detailed the floundering of her aromatherapy e-commerce web site; she was shocked that she had spent so much on the site but hadn’t made any sales online yet.

Mr. Laaker then asked if she was interested in again spending money to buy a new computer. Indeed, she was, she replied. After running through the machine’s specifications, Mr. Laaker insisted it was truly late in the evening, and that if Poinsettia was interested, she should call again to set up a time to pickup the computer. Five more minutes passed as she rambled through her "unique" situation, followed by an insistence that she would call again to let him know her decision.

Mr. Laaker awaited the call. Crazy old lady or not, he wished to sell his machine. A new computer cared not whether its old counterpart was pawned off to wackos.

Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday evenings all saw late night calls from Poinsettia. Insisting she wanted to purchase the computer, she agreed to pickup the machine around 10:00pm after Mr. Laaker returned from class on Friday. The time and date was set, and Mr. Laaker anxiously looked to quickly complete this transaction, thus eliminating further late night calls and endless babble.

But sadly, this tale was just beginning.

Book Two

Friday night arrived, and Mr. Laaker called Poinsettia at 9:30pm as agreed upon his return from class. No one answered, so he left a voice message. She returned his call at 9:50pm, asking whether his building had an elevator. "Yes," replied Mr. Laaker. Does it also have a stairwell, she asked. "Yes," replied Mr. Laaker.

5 minutes again passed as Poinsettia described her aversion to elevators. Her friend, however, would certainly need an elevator, as he would be the one carrying the computer.

"Whatever," Mr. Laaker said. "Are you coming now?" The time was now 10:00pm. Indeed, they were, she replied. She told him to expect them within half an hour.

At 11:30pm, the odd couple had yet to arrive. Mr. Laaker was now quite annoyed and tired, and wished to complete this exchange of goods as quickly as possible. He called Poinsettia again who then returned his call at 11:50pm. Apparently, she was still on her way; she would be right over.

At midnight, Poinsettia rang Mr. Laaker’s door buzzer for an exceedingly long time; he buzzed them in. Peering through the door’s peephole, Mr. Laaker could not believe his eyes.

Shuffling towards his door were two loud, hunched trolls.

It is important here to note that the term "troll" is not used as a disparaging connotation. Rather, it is used literally: these people were, as far as Mr. Laaker can discern, honestly crawl-up-from-under-a-bridge, eat-little-kids, knaw-on-bones trolls. Disheveled, with long black, matted, dirty hair, stretched lips, and pallid skin, the trolls ambled into Mr. Laaker’s apartment, running their hands along anything within arm’s length.

As Mr. Laaker tried to herd them towards the center of the room to avoid contamination, Poinsettia’s friend, Roland, asked if he could use the rest room. Before Mr. Laaker could say no, he had shuffled past him and into the bathroom. (Ed. note – For those unfamiliar with the confines of Mr. Laaker’s apartment, the bathroom, kitchenette, and studio room all exist within a 13′ by 16′ dimension. Thus, the bathroom is a mere couple feet from the center of the room.) What happened next was truly beyond the pale.

Having seemingly just devoured a goat or some other creature that wandered too close to the bridge’s edge, Roland decided to make the most out of his new-found modern amenities. Loudly (very loudly), Roland emptied his entire system with a ferocity never before witnessed in the kingdom of manimals. Including a couple of good wall whackings and dozens of coughs and sputterings, Roland let the entire apartment complex (and certainly Mr. Laaker and Poinsettia) know that he truly was "king among things."

As Mr. Laaker’s eyes bulged and sweat poured from his brow, he was forced to stay in the present by Poinsettia’s hands which were suddenly digging in his desk drawers. Apparently looking for a pencil and paper to take notes on, she decided to make herself at home. Mr. Laaker, in as calm a voice as possible when trolls are ravaging and looting his home, asked her what she thought she was doing. He explained that he would be the one providing the pencil and paper should she need to take notes, which he then not-too-happily provided.

As Poinsettia began writing, Roland emerged fresh-faced, belching and coughing, from the commode. Mr. Laaker quickly turned, and asked him if he was all right. "Actually, you could get me a glass of water," he replied.

Mr. Laaker simply stood where he was, and turned to Poinsettia, who again was shuffling around, looking for things to rummage. Trying to ban the possibility of Roland spluttering and slurping from one of his glasses, he plugged the computer in to show the machine was in working order. After demonstrating its ability to operate, Mr. Laaker moved to place the machine in its box.

Roland, however, insisted that Laaker unplug his computer system and show the machine working with his monitor, keyboard, and mouse. Mr. Laaker replied that show-and-tell would have been possible at 10:00pm, but would not be happening at 12:20pm. Irate, Roland threatened to walk. The sassy grey beret covering his filthy locks needed to be straightened as he grew angry, but Poinsettia insisted that she trusted Mr. Laaker, and that surely Mr. Laaker trusted her.

Matters cooled off quickly, and Roland began asking questions about Mr. Laaker’s work. Maybe if Laaker needed a programmer he could call, suggested Roland. Mr. Laaker assured everyone that he was not in need of any help, but thanked Roland for the offer. Nonetheless, Roland reached for Laaker’s printer and desk drawer to find materials on which to jot his contact information. Titling himself as "hard-ass" and "programmer," he chuckled as he passed the information back to Laaker. Mr. Laaker then said he would call anytime he needed such a unique pairing of skills.

Quickly, Laaker loaded the computer into Roland’s arms (preventing further rummaging), herded the trolls to the door, and wished them well. The door was quickly shut, bolted twice, and Mr. Laaker collapsed in the hallway, shaking from the disbelief that his home had been so egregiously violated. A bottle of 409 was quickly snatched, and the bathroom and main room proceeded to receive the delousing they so desperately needed.

Mr. Laaker crawled into his bed that night a changed man: a man who no longer had anything to lose. As if the sewage attacks had not been enough, now trolls had been proven to exist. Not only did they exist, they lived nearby! As his eyes closed, he thought of his girlfriend’s words the week before.

"You know, it’s probably not the best idea to let strangers into your home when selling this stuff."

She couldn’t have known that strangers might include trolls, he concluded, but decided he should probably listen a little more closely to her advice.

(Ed. note – Mr. Laaker still has a computer available for sale, should anyone know a non-troll interested in handling transactions on the street corner.)

Focusing on how the electronic medium impacts design, the course will provide students with a foundation of the requirements, possibilities, and limitations inherent in multimedia design.

The Katharine Gibbs School of New York is a state-accredited associate degree-granting college owned by the Career Education Corporation. Operating since 1911, the school’s focus has recently shifted to the interactive and graphic arts.

Entitled "One format to rule them all," the article details the benefits of using SVG (Scalable Vector Graphics) as a common file format, allowing easy file exchange, web publishing, and email distribution without any loss in quality.

Based upon his experience using SVG and writing his recent book, Mr. Laaker became convinced of the viability of using SVG as a universal file format for designers. In his article, he describes the many benefits of the format as a sole content-encasing medium, as well as some of the possible pitfalls.

The October 2002 issue is currently on newstands.

“Knowing that the average sperm whale has a head about 15.2 feet tall, and that the brain is located about 10 feet below the surface, a whale zombie would have to be going at the live whale for quite some time,” Mr. Laaker noted. “It seems a bit odd to think that the live whale would sit idle long enough for the zombie to get all the way to the brain.”

He countered that, while also remarkably slow, many human zombies had been successful in getting through the heads of their victims, as documented in “Day of the Dead” and “Dawn of the Dead.” With such a high zombie conversion rate despite window-boarding and loaded shotguns, he argued, it seemed that whales (lacking these two defensive mechanisms) would likely be more susceptible to zombification, despite the physical distance to the brain.

After arguing for the whale zombies’ advantages for a moment, Mr. Laaker returned to the uphill challenges. "While lacking weapons and trickery, live whales have the opportunity to flee in nearly 360 degrees of direction, whereas humans generally only have the option of fleeing to an abandoned and secluded farm house," he said. "These options would seem to allow the live whale the opportunity to escape (at a respectable speed) from the zombie whale after the latter’s intent is clear. Such intent could be signalled either through the mindless, constant bellowing of the zombie whale or through one of any number of bites into the live whale’s head before reaching past 10 feet."

Two days after first raising this quandry, Mr. Laaker still seemed fascinated by the subject, despite his friends’ confusion.

The documentary, now in preliminary stages, is set to examine the rise and fall of the Bannerman family business, as well as the mysterious history of the island.

The island fortress, now a shell of its former state, was the residence and business warehouse of Frank Bannerman VI. Bannerman was an immigrant munitions baron at the turn of the 20th century, running a military surplus and salvage operation in downtown New York. Spurred by the passing of local laws preventing the stockpiling of gunpowder and arms within the city, Bannerman purchased Polopel Island as a means to stockpile his weaponry and advertise his business through a great masonry project visible to all on the heavily-trafficked waterway.

Built over a span of 17 years, Bannerman’s Island Arsenal took the form of a variety of Scottish castles. Using only Bannerman’s crude drawings formed on the back of his company’s stationery, a group of masons and workmen built the compound with nearly no right angles and a series of optical illusions (making the castle appear much larger from the land). Using brick and concrete, the island’s buildings grew to house both the company’s inventory and the families of the workers (including Bannerman’s now-wealthy family).

Situated at the foot of Storm King Mountain and just north of the Hudson Highlands water gate, the island commands a powerful presence within view of West Point Academy. No longer accessible to the public, the castle complex burned in 1969 leaving only a fraction of the buildings once adorning the island. Of the three original warehouses, only one remains partially intact. New York’s State Parks department now owns the land and is working with the Bannerman Castle Trust to eventually allow the public a closer view of the intriguing landmark.

After spending months researching the history of the island, Laaker finally visited the island with the Trust this past weekend. Spending Sunday helping to clear old foot paths once connecting the various gardens, buildings and residences, Laaker got an exclusive tour of the stronghold, providing rich resource material for the upcoming project.

Mr. Laaker has made a selection of images from his visit available online for interested viewers.

And thus begins the anger.

Many readers remember, with pain, the dreadful "special surprise" the sewage lines bestowed on Micah Laaker’s once graceful apartment. (Ed. Note – See "Sewer Releases ‘Special Surprise’ in Apartment") Two years after this tragedy, the malice began again.

On Tuesday, noting an odd miscolored pool of water in his shower, Mr. Laaker "followed his nose" along the stagnant trail. Up the tub, up the shower wall, up the wall to the ceiling, the trail of sorrow culminated in a pitiable revulsion.

After learning the plumber was on his way, Mr. Laaker proceeded to make alternate housing decisions until the bathroom could be thoroughly gutted and remodeled. As time passed and sewage soaked, Thursday finally found a Bellmark property management "handyman" at Mr. Laaker’s door, ready to "fix" the bathroom.

Interestingly, the bathroom repairs consisted only of a surface-level scraping of the bathroom ceiling and wall, a replastering of those areas, and a subsequent paint job. Mr. Laaker, like others who like their books good, their puppies cute, and their walls non-sewage-filled, found this cosmetic band-aid unacceptable. Upon inspecting the bathroom, however, he found something even more disturbing.

There… behind the toilet… on the floor… was his bottle of mouthwash.

The detective work took little time. In the handyman’s excitement of splashing paint all over the bathroom mirror, shower curtain, and other formerly non-white-streaked objects, he decided to move the mouthwash from the bathroom ledge to a safer area. After all, one would not want paint to mar the $2 disposable bottle; such paint should be saved for those other permanent fixtures.

The other more convenient locations apparently did not pose suitable safehouses, such as the sink, the toilet’s lid, or even the floor of the main room (only 1 foot away). Nor did moving the other items on the shelf that the mouthwash occupied in its cleaner, "glory" days. Rather, digging deep into his contempt-brimming heart, the handyman ensured a place within his customer’s memory forever.

Trying to somehow justify the act, Mr. Laaker did agree with friends that putting a person’s mouthwash on the floor behind the toilet was certainly better than putting a person’s toothbrush on the floor behind the toilet. In the case of the toothbrush, though, the handyman would obviously have broken the handyman code-of-conduct; in the case of mouthwash, a number of excuses, plausible to the guild management, could be generated. Therein lay the genius of the act.

While waiting for the management to seriously repair his bathroom, Mr. Laaker is debating leaving the bottle in its current location as a testament to future generations of the horrors of cheap, non-thinking, lackluster repairmen. An attractive plaque, also placed on the floor near the bottle, might invite curious passersby to question whether they, like the handyman, consider the on-the-floor-behind-the-toilet location prime, healthy real estate for all dental hygiene products.

Targeted for designers and HTML developers, the book promises readers the ability to learn the following skills:

• Create SVG graphics
• Use the SVG tools you currently own
• Embed actual typefaces within your portable SVG content
• Animate your artwork and include interactive elements
• Use Photoshop-like filter effects on your vector graphics
• Use JavaScript to enhance SVG’s functionality and performance
• Overcome common pitfalls of commercial SVG development
• Use SVG production methods for development teams

The book was written based upon Mr. Laaker’s commercial experience with the technology. While at Iguana Studios, Mr. Laaker helped create the Research & Development department which spearheaded early SVG investigation. Due to this work, Adobe Systems financed the development of the BattleBots Web site (www.battlebots.com), which became the first commercial use of SVG on the Web.

The release of the book coincides with the launch of the book’s companion Web site: SVGnow! (www.svgnow.com). This site contains downloadable examples from the book (saving readers the chore of hand-typing each example), links to other SVG resources, FAQs on the technology, a gallery of SVG content, and information on how to spread the word about SVG. The site also exists as a demonstrable example of SVG’s use in real-world development.

"Teach Yourself SVG in 24 Hours" is now available at bookstores nationwide, as well as online retailers such as Amazon.com and BN.com. All proceeds from the book after taxes are being donated to the Rev. Dr. Damon & Mary Laaker Scholarship Fund, a fund established for the Omaha Schools Foundation in recognition of the couple’s many years of public service to the Omaha community and its public schools.

While talking with the local dentist ("Dr. Dorn" of the Gramercy Personal Dental Service), Mr. Laaker was encouraged to switch from a hard-bristled toothbrush to a soft-bristled toothbrush. Apparently the rigourous brushing regimen was beginning to take its toll on Laaker’s back teeth, scraping off precious enamel alongside plaque and tartar with reckless abandon.

Thankfully, due to Mr. Laaker’s age, the dentist was not concerned about the effects of such scrubbings and insisted everything would be fine unless Mr. Laaker did not adhere to the soft-bristled instructions. (Mr. Laaker indicated that he would opt for the "everything being fine" option.)

The good doctor ended the appointment with an encouragement to schedule his next visit before leaving. After finding a mutually agreeable time and date with the receptionist, Mr. Laaker left formulating his toothbrush conversion action plan.

The frenzy was seemingly created many months before the December 2001 film release of "The Fellowship of the Ring," the first of three movies based upon the Tolkien literary fantasy trilogy, "The Lord of the Rings." Seeing that corporate sugar daddies were giving the green light to the commercialization of the fantasy titles, Tolkien fanatics (Laaker included) began openly discussing their hopes and fears for the cinemagraphic interpretations. As time passed, friends of Mr. Laaker began noticing frequent "I just can’t wait for the new Lord of the Rings movie" comments. By the time the movie was released, Mr. Laaker had finished re-reading the trilogy and was actively discussing the fantasy lore with all those that would listen.

While his friends’ reactions to his excitement varied, one word was used with surprising repetition: "nerd."

Contrary to several barbed allegations, Mr. Laaker’s fascination with the Tolkien novels dates back to his grade school years, wherein he was introduced to "The Hobbit." While reading this book, he became so enamored with the story that he began repeatedly illustrating the characters and their environments. Boxes of the illustrations exist to this day and served as both the launching of Mr. Laaker’s creative career and interest in Tolkien lore, science fiction, and fantasy.

Fortunately for those uninterested in Tolkien and his works, Mr. Laaker’s fanaticism appears to be returning to levels of normalcy after having seen the first movie. Prudent observers, however, know that the second chapter of the trilogy will be released in December 2002…

The tome can be purchased at a variety of resellers, but Mr. Laaker encouraged readers to buy through his online links so as to increase his royalties (i.e. greed).

Buy now thru: Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble

In his final stages of editing, Mr. Laaker is close to putting the finishing touches on the instructional guide. Set to be released by SAMS Publishing, the book will also be available at most large booksellers in January.

Laaker.com readers will likely be familiar with Mr. Laaker’s MF Doom video, which was recently awarded a gold medal at the Industrial Design Society of America’s (IDSA) Industrial Design Excellence Awards (IDEA) in Boston. (Mr. Laaker appeared before the organization in August at the Berkelee Performance Center to receive the award from Business Week and IDSA.)

Not only did HOWdesign.com find the video worth investigating, Fast Company recently placed the video at a number 5 ranking amongst the hundreds of submissions to the IDEA competition in their 10 Prize-Winning Products article.

Lastly, Step-by-Step, the venerable graphic arts publishing house instrumental in sharing procedures, features an interview with Mr. Laaker amidst a review of the Doom animation process in their September SBS Digital Design issue, available on newstands now.

"Our readers have been clamouring for a less confrontational way of hearing about new Laaker.com content than me berating them for not checking the site everyday," said Micah Laaker. "The ‘Laaker.com Knowledge Network’ represents a bold shift of responsibility from the shoulders of our readers back to us. Whereas kids previously had to check the site every hour to see if something new has been added, we can now ‘push’ a newsletter out to our subscribers, alerting them to new content, new services, and new promotions."

Having spent months developing the new service, Mr. Laaker noted the ease of subscribing. Users need simply need visit "groups.yahoo.com/group/laakerdotcom" to enroll, free-of-charge, in the service. (Any reader that is already a Yahoo! user can use their existing username and password to receive the service.)

"We look forward to providing our readers with a barrage of new content, and the Laaker.com Knowledge Network will be on the front lines of getting said content out to the masses quickly," said Mr. Laaker. All questions pertaining to the confusing labelling of e-mail newsletters as "broadband" were dodged.

The following is the complete text from Mr. Laaker’s open letter to the Nabisco Corporation (the parent company of Lifesavers Candies):

August 13, 2001

Nabisco Consumer Affairs
100 DeForest Avenue
P.O. Box 1911
East Hanover, NJ 07936-1911

To whom it may concern:

Greetings. After seeing the amazing Lifesavers’ sponsorship you folks arranged with About.com (where you replaced the O in About with a rotating green Lifesaver), I was interested in whether a similar sponsorship may be available for a website which I operate: Laaker.com. Laaker.com has a number of different business goals, but one of them often is what Kris Parker of the H.E.A.L. Foundation termed "edu-tainment." Who would mind getting a little knowledge while learning? Certainly not Laaker.com readers!

Anyway, I was curious as to whether we could strike a similar arrangement. As "Laaker" does not have any O’s in it, though, I wanted to toss out the idea of replacing one of the A’s in "Laaker" with an O. Many of my readers have complained about the extra A anyways, and a treaty with Lifesavers could be seen as a "cleaning up" of the Laaker.com brand.

The Lifesavers brand is all about having fun, eating candy, and living it up; so is Laaker.com (although there isn’t as much emphasis on the candy part)! The similarities don’t end there, either. Both our sites are trafficked by thousands. And while I’ll admit Laaker.com isn’t as brightly colored as Candystand.com, visitors have said they like the colors on my site. But maybe we could work something out during the promotional period if you wanted the color theme to match. We could even change the Contact Us page information so that all email went to Nabisco first! (Just an idea; not a make-or-break issue.)

If I may, I’d like to go ahead and suggest that we use either the "Butter Rum" or "Chill-O-Mints" flavors for the rotating candy in the logo. Chill-O-Mints has an exciting sound to the name, and I think it would be the perfect match. Please note, however, that "Wild Berries" is a no-go; without going into a lot of detail, let’s just say I have a strong aversion to the word "wild."

To wrap things up, I just want to say thank you for the possibility of this sponsorship. Laaker.com readers will certainly benefit, as the site has a definite need for cash infusion, and I think it’s pretty much a given that Lifesavers (and thus Nabisco) would benefit, too. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Respectfully,

Micah Laaker
Acting CEO, Laaker.com

The sudden layoffs came as a surprise to many on staff, as most had no idea they were even employed by the firm. Responsible for the email was previous office manager Micah Laaker. Mr. Laaker has come to the helm tasked with heading up day-to-day operations and maintaing solvency in the remaining months. "We’re going to focus on our core competencies for the time being. We’ll do what we do best: focus on Micah Laaker," said Mr. Laaker.

Pressed for an explanation for the reduction of a staff from 100 down to 1, Mr. Laaker pointed towards disappointing donation numbers from the Laaker.com Investment Center, as well as low click-through purchase rates in the Book/Music/Film section. "Until we see these numbers rise, we won’t be seeing familiar faces around the office," Mr. Laaker said.

Despite the tough times, Mr. Laaker is still planning a launch party for the release of the new Laaker.com search tool. As the party had originally included 99 more employees than currently employed and catering from Popeye’s, Mr. Laaker is expected to announce revised plans.

Having worked extensively with the technology over the past year both commercially and independently, Mr. Laaker has been publishing a series of tutorials and informative articles via his Research & Development department at Change Digital Studios (formerly Iguana Studios). In late April, Sams Publishing, a leading technical publisher, contacted Mr. Laaker and planning quickly unfolded thereafter.

Set for release in January 2002, the book, divided into 24 one-hour-or-less chapters, will guide readers through the technology’s basic concepts. By the time the book has been completed, readers will have created their own working graphic, containing at least one example from each fundamental concept. More advanced features will be discussed, and a companion website (to be announced) will provide additional examples and reference material.

Update: Laaker.com has provided links to preorder discounted copies of the book for its release this coming January.

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"The joy just isn’t there any more. Every time I get some spicy chicken at Popeye’s, my tummy takes a tumbling for the rest of the day," said Mr. Laaker.

Having long listed fried chicken as his second favorite food, next to steak, Mr. Laaker’s move to restrain his chicken consumption came as a shock to many.

According to friend and office mate Colin Lange, who accompanied Mr. Laaker on his last and fateful visit to Popeye’s today, Mr. Laaker forcibly moved his unfinished plate of chicken away. "He just started pushing at it, saying he wasn’t having it. Started whining about an upset stomach. As if the tears weren’t bad enough, I was sick before I came here. Now, matters are only escalating in ‘worseness’ for both of us."

Apparently, Mr. Laaker’s moratorium is only on fast-food prepared fried chicken, and no end date was given. If history is any judge, the abstinence will likely not last long. Readers may remember Mr. Laaker’s fateful visit to KFC, in which salmonella befouled his enjoyment of chicken-partaking for some time; Mr. Laaker was back at Popeye’s a mere week after recovery.

To celebrate the achievement, Mr. Laaker both dined at his favorite local restaurant (Duke’s) and attended a hip-hop concert put on by his recent video subject (MF Doom). Both events were noted for their classy displays, and Mr. Laaker’s conduct was of an unquestionable character throughout the day.

Kickstarting the 2001 leg of the Laaker.com World Tour, Mr. Laaker and the charming Ms. Carrie Patton visited the birthplace of colonial imperialism for 4.5 days this past week. To record the memories for posterity, Mr. Laaker has released his travelogue of their journey. The text follows below:

Day One (03/22/2001)

Our outbound British Airways flight was eventful only for the impressive feat of my falling asleep on the runway and not awaking until our descent upon Heathrow Airport the next morn. Our arrival at the Hertz car rental counter was sadly not as uneventful, as British Airways had apparently not filed the correct paperwork for our rental. An hour-and-a-half later, after chatting with a limousine driver bemoaning the ravaging foot-and-mouth disease and its effects on the English countryside, we were on our way southwesterly towards Salisbury.
Several roadside naps later, we were still on our way to the Salisbury Cathedral. A giant helicopter gunship circled above our car and the roadway for a period of time, causing minimal excitement and interest. We soon arrived at the cathedral and began walking the grounds, the sanctuary, and the Charter House (wherein one of four copies of the Magna Carta is "housed").
Having already displeased our innkeeper for announcing our late arrival later that evening via phone call, we made our way northwards towards the afore-warned closed Stonehenge. Due to the accursed foot-and-mouth disease, all rural attractions (minus cathedrals and Charter Houses) were inaccessible to tourists; and so we sped our uncontaminated feet by the stone monoliths at 40 m.p.h., marvelling at the small stature of the stones.
We arrived in London around 8:30p.m. to meet our paranoid hotel manager. We were ushered up to our room which overlooked Argyle Square Park and a series of early morning construction assignments. Upon examining the bathroom, we were both excited to find a temperamental toilet that had yet to learn the art of disposing. I was also saddened by the regular appearance and texture of English toilet paper, as my Irish and Icelandic journeys had opened my eyes to a new world of T.P. shapes.
After being scolded for attempting to stay out late by the front desk attendant, we walked the incredibly grimy streets of the King's Cross area, surprised at the profusion of litter and wild-eyed loiterers. More surprising, however, was the curfew on pubs and restaurants. Relegated to a lone, closing Chinese buffet, dinner was far from pleasant, I returned home with a wrenching stomach- and head-ache.
Day Two (03/23/2001)

A heavy dosing of NyQuil and melatonin eased sleep the night before, and 9:00a.m. started a full day of Londonese adventuring. Breakfast was acquired at the internationally ever-present McDonald's, in celebration of the opening of their new Golden Arch Hotel in nearby Switzerland. Showing a rogue streak, this Mickey D's broke with American conventions of 35 possible sizes and prices for Value Meals, instead offering one price for all value meals, regardless of sandwich or nugget choices.
Shocked by such daring and the lackluster smatterings of ice in their Cokes, we walked to the British Library. Inside was my bookworm dream-come-true: a collection of virtually every printed document. Darting from the philatelic collection spanning 200 years of stamp collecting worldwide to the four-story, glass-enclosed King George III library to an Armenian art exhibit and then on to a display room showcasing Shakespeare's first folio, a Gutenberg original Bible, and a Lindisfairne illuminated manuscript, I was in a state of bliss...
...not to mention the usual state of hunger. We soon crossed the library plaza to a pub across the street. Language barriers soon flared, though, as the bartender struggled to understand my seemingly simple request.

MR. LAAKER: "Hi there. I'd like a Guinness Steak Pie and a Tuna Melt."
BARTENDER: "Two Guinness pies?"
ML: "No, no. One Guinness Steak Pie and one Tuna Melt."
B: "OK, one Guinness pie."
ML: "...and one Tuna Melt."
B: "A wha'?"
ML: "Look. Here, on the menu. A 'Tuna Cheese Melt.' I want one of those, too."
B: "Ohhhhhhh, a Tune Cheese Melt. Gotcha."

Matters got more complicated when asking for the drinks.

ML: "I'd also like a Guinness, and do you have Harps?"
B: "Wha'?"
ML: "Harps?"
B: "Na', we don' have Harps."
ML: "Do you have anything like it?"
B: "Hmmm... maybe a bitter beer? We got English bitter beer?"
ML: "Nah, I don't think Carrie'd like a bitter beer. How about a Stella (Artois)?"
B: "Carlsberg?"
ML: "No. Stella."
B: "Carlsberg?"
ML: "Stell-a."
B: "Carls-berg?"
ML: "Stella. This one."

After pointing to the Stella tap, I assumed matters were under control. Briefly looking back at Ms. Patton to make the international "wacko" guesture, I returned to see the bartender pouring a Guinness and... a Carlsberg.

ML: "Sir, I said Stella. This one. The one that says 'Stella.'"

A nasty look later, and a mumbling about stupid Americans, the bartender passed a Guinness and a Stella to the famished and now agitated me. Lunch was begun soon after, and next up was a casual stroll through Green Park. At the edge of the park were gates commemorating something about Canada, and, beyond them, Buckingham Palace in all its unimaginative dullness. Apparently, America's founding fathers drew plans for the equally unimpressive White House after seeing the monarch's palace centuries ago. (Ed. - Mr. Laaker is well aware that the "Founding Fathers" did not physically draw plans for a presidential manor in a city that was not even yet conceived as the nation's capital.)
After several attempts at understanding their location, we made our way along Bird Cage Walk towards Parliament and Big Ben. Both were surprisingly more attractive than photographs had pictured. As Westminster Abbey was next door, a tour of the hallowed sanctuary was in order. As was the case at Salisbury and Ireland, tour guides and tourists alike rubbed their hands over the marble effigies to kings, queens, earls, and knights from times afore. The prissy, elitist American "Do Not Touch" signs were very rarely seen at the Abbey and most other museums.
After the Abbey came a walk along the Embankment: a walkway along the northwestern edge of the River Thames. A brief tour through an adjoining park dropped us upon Cleopatra's Needle (an Egyptian obelisk surrounded by forged sphinxes, ravaged from WWII bombs). London never being a town to disappoint expectations, we endured nonstop rain most of the day, and dawdling at the memorial was avoided.
We proceeded to walk up through Covent Garden and stopped for a bit in Trafalgar Square to see a symphonic concert in St. Marten-on-the-Fields chapel. Weary from a walking extravaganza, we collapsed in the pews to witness a performance of selected Beethoven works by candlelight. After the calming performance, we ventured to Thai Square for dinner. The pain of my incredibly spicy meal was somewhat offset by the remarkably calming sounds of "Take Me Home, Country Roads" as performed by Thai musicians. (Ed. - Mr. Laaker assumes the band was fired shortly after his departure.)
The evening ended dramatically as Carrie muscled her way through the Underground's turnstile into the waiting attention of the subway police. A quick, tourist explanation about using the wrong subway card allowed us on our merry way, and I was quick to begin the beratement for such acts of civil disobedience.
Day Three (03/24/2001)
Day Two proved rather eventful, so Day Three began much later than Day Two; thus, we were greeted by the snide quips of the innkeeper on our way out the door. Not letting "that old bag" ruin our day, we headed down to Russell Square for lunch. At the subway terminal, I again jokingly reminded Carrie to use her correct ticket so that we wouldn't be delayed. The joke turned on me, though, as I used the wrong ticket and was directed to the attendants for an explanation. Carrie was quick to begin the beratement for such acts of irony.
Thankfully, language posed no problem during ordering, and the bartender guessed that we were from the northern U.S. Asked how he could tell, he replied, "Cause you're not rude like those Southerners..."
True to my inherently polite nature, I thanked him, and we finished our lunch. We then journeyed to the British Museum, wherein the riches of antiquity, plundered from numerous countries, lay before us. We saw the Elgin marbles and a plentiful supply of mummies and sarcophagi. In the center of the museum was the remodeled Millennium Reading Room: a circular, domed library residing in the courtyard. The room's plush chairs allowed a moment's relaxation, and we were soon off to experience the splendor of phenomenally large Assyrian gates and gateways.
We made our way towards the Marble Arch, which seemed nothing more than just a marble arch in a hard-to-reach park square. Seeing a subway stop not 20 yards away, we spent 20 minutes trying to get access to the stop via various misleading and lengthy tunnels. The subway whisked us down to Leicester Square, and we were off to relax our weary feet in the Odeon Cinema theatre, boasting a part of Europe's largest cinemaplex chain. Entering the theatre quickly illustrated, however, that the size of the chain had no bearing on the size of the theatre. We watched critically-acclaimed "Quills" on the "big screen," a 5' by 3' board that humbled Kansas City's Seville and New York's Cinema East theatres with its unacceptable moviegoer experience.
As the movie ended around 10:30 p.m., we headed back to the King's Cross area, only to find every pub and establishment in the neighboring 12 block area closed. We walked back to our hotel, tears streaming down our faces, upset over the lies Hollywood had painted of London's swinging nightlife.
Tears soon vanished as a bedtime surprise injected the excitement the draconian curfew had before prevented. In the street below our hotel room, a wandering pack of teens began arguing and fighting. Ten minutes after the shouting started, violence spilled onto a parked car, as the "gang" began hopping upon and smashing the windows of the car. The bashing lasted six minutes at which point a girl passing by shouted for the group to cease their vandalous ways to the horror of her accompanying gentleman friend. The mob and its shoutings swarmed off the car and towards the couple.
Escalating matters further, one of the teens in the mob pushed the girl, who then began to yell even louder at the group. The gang then swarmed on its member who had pushed the girl, and the shouting quickly turned to apologies. The girl seemingly accepted the apology, as she and her boyfriend joined the group as it walked around the park for another 20 minutes, occasionally smashing bottles and yelling at others.
To celebrate the lack of law and order in the area, the group returned for one last stomping and smashing of the victimized car before traipsing off to another neighborhood. Thus concluded Day Three.
Day Four (03/25/2001)
Arising in time for a rather unappealing breakfast at the hotel, Carrie and I soon after made our way to the Temple district. Now home to the legal profession, Temple was originally the enclave of the Knights Templar. We attended service at the Temple Church, originally the Templar's chapel, where several of the knights were buried.
We proceeded towards the City, where we paused for a potentially Mad Cow disease-tainted lunch. Ignoring the possible horrors ahead from such a disease, we headed to the Tower of London, a sort of medieval-style Decapitation Disneyland. We walked the halls of the Bloody Tower, the castle, and the display room of the Crown Jewels, all the while enjoying the sights of little children touching and tugging on ancient artifacts of war in the various weaponry museums.
After an ice cream break, we headed down to the waterfront to examine the British Airways London Eye: a monolithic Ferris wheel that affords a view of the entire town. The Eye also afforded a three hour wait, so we proceeded down to County Hall to marvel at the cityscape before it. Ducking into an arcade to catch our bearings, we plotted our course to the South Bank for dinner at recommended restaurant "fish!" We spent the next 45 minutes ducking through seedy alleyways trying to find our destination.
Upon arrival, we were informed that there was no more fish at the restaurant. We were directed back to County Hall, where indeed a sister store still had fish to serve. We wined and dined and then waited for an hour for our waitress to return.
Dave Five (03/26/2001)
We awoke in time to check out of the illustrious Howard Winchester Hotel and made our way to the Tate Gallery of Modern Art. From the museum, we saw the laughingstock Millennium Bridge and decided to cross it before heading back to pick up our luggage. Unfortunately, the bridge was closed, due to its inability to stop vibrating when two or more people walk across it.
Thus, we crossed a regular bridge, passing Shakespeare's Globe theatre, and began our journey back home. With luggage in hand, we arrived at Heathrow early, and refamiliarized our stomachs at Arbuckle's American Cafe. We were soon on our way back to New York; and seven hours and three viewings of "Meet the Parents" later, we were home.
Home: where a fellow world traveller, who had apparently been imbibing himself the entire trip, began stumbling and tumbling through the crowd before falling over at Customs. Home: where someone forgot to place the foot-and-mouth disinfectant strip across our path. And so we, newly learned cosmopolitan kids, re-entered the country, spreading disease and death with our every footstep...

Photos from the London tour are available online at Mr. Laaker’s Shutterfly gallery.

"Laaker.com is committed to extending its audience base to a much larger world population," said Mr. Laaker in his address today. "Already frequently visited by Americans, Canadians and some Irish, Laaker.com is actively seeking English ‘kids’ to familiarize themselves with Mr. Laaker’s odd yet strangely exciting life."

Laaker and his longtime ladyfriend, Carrie Patton, will visit London from March 21-26, with stops planned at Big Ben, Stonehenge, and "whatever else England’s famous for in the London area." Mr. Laaker seemed especially excited to visit the house next to 32 Windsor Gardens: home of childhood favorite Paddington Bear’s arch-nemesis, Mr. Curry.

"That lil’ bear is so loveable, what with his love of marmalade and all, and that Mr. Curry just keeps pushing that lil’ bear’s buttons, causin’ all sorts of problems. Well, it’s time someone pressed Mr. Curry’s buttons… with fists!" (Mr. Laaker hoped people read his last statement with an emphasis on the word "fists!")

Mr. Laaker’s London propaganda campaign has yet to be outlined, although his desire to greet his soon-to-be friends with "Cheerio!" is widely known.

Mr. Laaker, long a proponent of the Palm devices, has recently grown disgusted with the company for its lack of product innovation.

"Palm has once again released the same product to consumers under the guise of pushing technology to its limits. The m105 is, for all intents and purposes, the same device as the original Palm Pilot," Laaker was heard saying to co-workers. "You cannot tell me that removeable faceplates and 6MB of RAM are ground-breaking additions after three years."

To ensure that Palm and others heard his disdain for this product launch, he posted the following diatribe online:

Subject: Keep on stagnatin'!
Palm has moved from innovation to plain ole stagnation. Getting swappable faceplates for under $200 seems to be as innovative as it gets anymore. Still no USB connection, still no NiCad rechargeable batteries, still no expansion. This device exists in several formats already.
Why bother producing new products? Palm still has plenty of existing antiquated products in the channel. Why not sell them and then ship a device that actually takes a step forward?
Even Lucky Charms puts in new shaped marshmallows every now and again instead of just painting the cereal box differently. Let's get with the times, hire some forward-thinking product planners, and actually produce a product that builds on the original. It's a much better strategy than just repackaging the original.
So... keep on stagnatin'! As long as Visor can keep adding to their offerings, Palm-powered devices should be around.
Just not Palm-branded devices.

Half an hour after posting this message, Mr. Laaker witnessed the post’s removal. The line upon which his message had occupied was now replaced with another message. His message was nowhere to be found on the Palm site.

Palm, Inc., which wasn’t asked to comment for this release, had the following statement on the discussion site:

Discussions of Palm, Inc. policies and procedures, commentary on unannounced products, obscene, defamatory, or infringing material or foul/abusive language are not appropriate and will be removed from the Discussion Board. Palm, Inc. reserves the right to remove any or all posts made to this forum.

"They’re gonna hear from me again," said Mr. Laaker after the removal. "Oh, they’re gonna hear from me again. Until they start innovatin’, they’re gonna keep hearing from me. They’ll need to hire someone full-time to remove my postings from their site!"

The public statement, posted on Steckelberg.com and reprinted below, contains several falsifications and misrepresentations:

I would like to be the first to deny any false allegation that may soon be published on the "laaker.com" or "micahlaaker.com" websites about my ownership now, or ever of soon to be said alleged Gobots TM. Rocklord TM. toy. The fictitious rumor is sure to quote one Micah Laaker and or Carlos Hunter as to my having had and played with the pathetic Transformer TM. knock off.
Any such statements are totally and positively untrue and without any source of proof. This is simply a matter of their word against mine, nothing more.

Having spent the weekend with Mr. Steckelberg in the not-so-clean burg of Philadelphia, Mr. Laaker had briefly waxed nostalgic with one of his friend’s chums. The Rock Lord issue, a recent favorite of his and longtime mutual friend Carlos Hunter, was relayed to Mr. Steckelberg’s friend at an opportune point in the evening, at which stage Mr. Steckelberg vehemently denied his possession of the toy.

“Dude, you owned a Rock Lord,” Mr. Laaker said.

“I never owned a Rock Lord,” Mr. Steckelberg replied.

“Dude, don’t lie; you owned a Rock Lord, and you know you did!” Mr. Laaker retorted.

“I’m telling you, I never owned a Rock Lord. You and Carlos are making this up,” lied Mr. Steckelberg.

“That dude owned a Rock Lord, simple and plain. Not only did he own the Rock Lord, he proudly owned that Rock Lord,” said Micah Laaker that evening. “I’ll never forget the look on that little guy’s face when he showed me his new Rock Lord when we were kids. I’d always thought Gobots were weak, and a Gobot of a robot that transformed into a rock was no exception.”

(Mr. Laaker reiterated that seemingly intelligent, self-respecting children were supposed to believe that the “metal” robot could somehow transform into a rock.)

Confirming Mr. Steckelberg’s prediction, Carlos Hunter, in an email correspondence with Mr. Laaker, stated, “I can guarantee that the Rock Lord that Aaron had was Nuggit. Sure it is the oddest of the bunch, but I distinctly remember its gold color. I also remember that it was the stubby one and the only round one. The rest were boxy and angular… Aaron ” Nuggit ” Steckelberg used to play with that pathetic golden beast.”

Mr. Laaker (armed with the one weapon Mr. Steckelberg discarded long ago in regard to this debate—the truth) stands by his and Mr. Hunter’s conviction that Mr. Steckelberg did “indeed, at one point in time, own a stupid Rock Lord.”

† Gobots were one of the weakest “transforming” toys of the 1980s. To recapture sales from the much better Transformers toy line, Tonka released a series of Gobots entitled “Rock Lords” (a group of robots that transformed into rocks). American children’s dislike for the already pitiable brand hit a feverish pitch upon this release, and Gobots soon faded from even truck stop toy racks.

Mr. Laaker and his date were then marauded by an overly large (seemingly due to chocolate consumption) booth attendant. This gentleman began hawking his chocolate-stirring wares and, noting their age (and thus youthful "hip" factor), encouraged them to visit his Internet-based chocolate wonderland: chocolatesomethingorother.com.

(As one can read, Mr. Laaker didn’t bother to commit the URL to memory.)

The evening ended with a jovial mockery of "Magda, The Chocolate Reader™," a New Age guru able to read an individual’s future from the settlings of chocolate. The booth had attracted several lonely spinsters, eager to glean their upcoming achievements from a bohemian seer in front of a cocoa-crusted Tupperware bowl.